The Bitter Truth Dad Blog

BITTER BITS June 2014

6/7/2014

The Bitter Truth is even though I am unemployed, things are busy. I spend an awful lot of time applying for a job. That has become a full time job. Sadly, the pay is bad. I often do not have enough hours in the day. So Blogging suffers. Here are a few "Bitter Bits" I came up with lately.

"The Biggest Loser" is a TV show where really obese folks battle to see who can lose the most weight. The Bitter Truth is the biggest loser is the person who DVRs "The Biggest Loser."

The Bitter Truth is trading 5 known terrorists for one soldier seems like a bad deal. I'm sort of an eye for an eye. Why not guy for a guy? They get 5 criminals we should get five of our guys back. Especailly since the one we got is at worst a deserter and at best a dumb ass who cost at least 6 other soldiers their lives. But I'm not political.

The Bitter Truth is a "Long Weekend" is even longer when it involves kids. And it is excruciating when it involves sick kids. To someone like me who is usually "Under Employed" and currently sans job, a "Long Weekend" is just more days where you try NOT to spend any money. It's something to dread. Not celebrate.

The Bitter Truth is I can probably outrun the zombies in most zombie movies. Not the fast as hell kind form "World War Z" but any zombies from classic films by George Romero. The kind that seem to drag half their paralyzed body (ala Bob Dole) in search of brains.

The Bitter Truth is that people who have fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror of their cars are rarely lucky. Anyone who addresses me as "MY Friend" that I have never met before is not my friend. And I'm not interested in buying anything out of the truck of your car in Target's parking lot. Oh and the unibrow? Only one dude has ever rocked that thing. Dweezil Zappa. Otherwise you all need to tweeze. And that's the Bitter Truth.

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50 Isn't Old. Now.

2/25/2014

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The Bitter Truth is that when I was a punk no nothing 18 year old I thought of 50 as being old. Really old. And if anyone back then had said "Did you hear so and so died they were Fifty." I would have made the snide remark, "No they weren't too young. Fifty is old." Of course they died." But now that I am forty-six (where does the time go?) my opinions are different as to what is old. I bring this up because a week back I heard that Maggie Estep had died of a massive heart attack at the age of 50 (only 4 years older than I am) I thought, "My god, she was way too young." For those of you unfamiliar with Maggie she was part of the early 1990s alt slam poetry movement. She played stages ranging from the tiniest NYC coffee shops to the stadiums stages of the Lollapolooza festival.
She was bright and gritty.

But a few years before she hit the "big time" (a relative term) I met her on the stairs of the New York Comedy Club. We were both waiting for our time on stage. I remember her sad eyes and puffy lips. Although are acts were very different, mine traditional stand up, her's modern beat poetry, we were both trying to perfect our craft by throwing ourselves on the mercy of drunks, tourists and strangers that came out to be "Made To Laugh" on a Tuesday night. We both waiting, dealing with our nerves in different ways. I remember watching her 3 minute set and being drawn to her unusual vocal patterns and whip smart comments. All which flew over the heads of the knuckleheads screaming "Where are the jokes?!" I was one of maybe 4 people who applauded when she finished. I don't think she watched my set about "Love Handles and "Airline Soda."

The following Tuesday night I saw her as I sad on the steps scribbling my jokes on to tiny post it notes I heard her raspy voice, "Back for another round of abuse?" Maggie asked as she climbed the stairs. "Yeah. You too?" I asked. "Yup." She smiled and told me about the poetry slams show was part of and how she never thought she would fit into traditional venues. After that night's set she hung back and actually watched my act. Commenting after "That love handles bit was kinda funny. Gross but funny."

I never saw her again at the comedy club. Then a year or so later she signed to Imago Records, the Terry Ellis owned label where my now first ex-wife (relax I only have one ex wife) worked. I met her on a couple of other nights at events where she was performing. In her own space, with full appreciation of the audience and she was awesome. At one CMJ marathon (music business folks know how important this convention was) my ex took her around and while in the artist VIP section they bumped into my childhood heroes--Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons of Kiss. A photo of Maggie with the rock gods sans make up was taken. I waited to finish this blog post because I wanted to include that photo. But between kids, life and the endless pursuit of finding the dreaded "Day Job" many an audience member at the New York Comedy Club told me not to quit, I didn't have the time to dig through my old photo albums and find the picture.

Although she never broke through to a larger audience in music or literature she was a tremendous talent and should have been the next Patti Smith. Maggie Estep is gone at the tender age of 50. She is gone. Her passing reminds me of times I lived on hope and promise. Times where artists worked toward dreams. And also that life is short. Even shorter now. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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A Generation Of Bag Ladies (and Men)

1/14/2014

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The Bitter Truth is as I watch a parade on angry folks coming out of my local grocery store, clutching all their groceries in their arms without a bag I realize that L.A.'s ban on plastic bags in grocery stores is s great big scam. At it's heart, it seems like a good idea. Eliminate plastic bags. Eliminate waste that sits in in landfills forever. Only problem is it only in grocery stores. You still can get as many plastic bags as you wants at other retailers, including Target and Walmart. Oddly enough most Target and Walmart locations here feature full grocery stores.

While grocery stores no longer have plastic bags, they do have paper bags--For sale. That's right want to carry your groceries out in something other than you arms? Buy brown paper bags. Now you may say, "You cheap bastard. It's just 10 cents." True. But all those dimes add up. Plus it takes about 5 bags to get my groceries home. Now stores like Trader Joes and Whole Food didn't have plastic bags before January 2014. They had the same brown paper bags they have now. Only difference is before the ban on plastic bags, the brown paper ones at TJ's and Whole Foods were free. Now they charge you 10 cents per bag!

The other option is to use recyclable bags. If you remember to bring them. The only issue I have with them is having to keep them clean. Who has time to wash out all those durable plastic bags? I fear that our landfills will soon be full of recyclable bags--defeating the purpose of the original ban. The ban is turning us into a army of bag ladies and men. Or bag-less ladies and men unwilling to form out cash for paper bags. If you want people to care about a cause (like saving the world environment) you have to make it easy and not annoying! And that's The Bitter Truth!

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The Fast And The Frivolous

12/5/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that this post is not about Actor Paul Walker. Even thought it features a photo (handsome dude) of the star of the "Fast & The Furious " film series who died tragically in a car crash this week. Did you hear about it? Of course you did. Every single aspect of his death has been re-hashed hundreds of times in news and entertainment news for days now. Photos of the burnt mangled car has been replayed hundreds of times on TV and the internet as has the cell phone camera footage of the vehicle engulfed in smoke and flames. We've heard about how the driver's (some race car driver who wasn't as famous
Walker so not the focus of the reports) son tried to put out the fire.
Station after station has brought in experts to speculate as to the cause of the crash. The car wasn't running correctly. Or maybe speed was a factor. Ya think? The sports car looked like a crushed beer can.

And sad as it is, this post isn't about Walker. There has been enough droning on about this mediocre talent who made a bad choice and ended up wrapped around a tree. It is about the guy in the photo below: Nelson Mandela. Have you heard of him? Sadly, most of the "Generation Tweet (or is it Twit)" don't. He was a true superstar, a hero and an inspiration and an important figure in history. He fought for something we take for granted--Freedom. He brought a country into modern times and changed the world.

But Nelson Mandela probably won't get the kind of lingering coverage that was given to Walker. Why? Because he didn't star in 6 crappy movies with Vin Diesel? Tyrese won't cry at the site of his death. Bono might. Mandela wasn't hip. He didn't live fast and die young (and tragically.) So in a day or two when people are still going on about Walker, stories about Mandela will fade away. The media will once again focus on folks like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Like Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa before him Mandela should remain in our hearts and minds. But he won't and that's The Bitter Truth.

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Government Shut Down? Shut Down The Government

10/10/2013

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The Bitter Truth is the government shut down is not effecting the people it should--The Government. Imagine what would happen if it did? Instead of closing down national parks and suspending death benefits for slain soldiers (shameful) what is we stop paying the politicians? Take away all their paychecks and see how fast things get resolved. Senators without free meals, prime parking and high salaries will be a lot more agreeable to sitting down and finding a solution. I'm not just talking Republicans.

I think all the members of the Congress should be shown the door. Lay off their staffs, take their keys and badges and lock up their offices. Then give them 1 week to resolve everything. This includes Obama. Force the whole lot of them to meet in the parking lot of the Capitol Building. If things go late into the night they can set up a tent city. Imagine how quickly things get hashed out when they have to crowd around a burning trash can for warmth. If they don't get it all fixed in 7 days then we go one step further and have a government yard sale. We start selling off the contents of their offices (including the White House) to raise money to re-open essential government offices and services.

The Bitter Truth is most politicians forgot they work "For The People" and not just the people running special interest groups and lining their pockets. They need to be treated like bad kids. They need a "Time Out." They are paid to do a job, and make this country better, so do it. Or get the hell out. Because there are plenty of us looking for a high paid gig that are willing to do the work and that's the Bitter Truth.

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Open Letter To Sinead O'Connor

10/10/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that Sinead O'Connor was right to send an open letter to Miley Cyrus. She knows a thing or too about being making bad choices as a young artist and being manipulated. When I read her first letter it inspired me to write my own open letter to Sinead, an artist I met at the very start of her career and sadly, watched implode a short time later. Although it was many year ago I clearly remember the wide eyed girl with huge dreams. Mind you I won't draft 4 letters and start a feud. Mainly because I think Sinead can kick my ass. But back then she was lovely.

Dear Sinead-
I am writing you in the spirit of caring as a father and former music business representative. You may not remember me but I was there early on in your career. I was one of the first people you met your very first time in the USA. I may have been the first person ever to interview you. The year was 1986 and I was a college DJ. I got an ivitation to a party at Club Zero in Cambridge, Mass from Sony music's college rep Allen Klevan. It wasn't so much an invitation as a plea to attend an event featuring "A cool alternative Irish singer with an odd name." He then spoke the magic words any broke college kid wanted to hear: "Open Bar. Free Food. Bring as many people as you want."

When I arrived at the club it was empty. My four friends and I were the only other people there besides Allen, his girl and 2 other record business types. Then there was you. A stunning bald headed beauty dressed in leather with piercing blue eyes and big ass boots. You were an otherworldly vision with a beaming smile. We ducked into the ladies room to find some quiet for our interview. You spoke with joy of your music and your love of hip-hop. You impressed me with your pure passion and larger than life dreams. You seemed to be in total control of your destiny. Afterwords we hung out a little bit enjoying the free eats and open bar. Do you remember that night? Probably not. When I went back to my dorm I listened to the advance cassette I was given when leaving the club. It was your debut record: "The Lion & The Cobra" and just 3 songs in I realized what an amazing talent your were and how very soon the dream you talked about would come true. I felt lucky to have been at the party so early on. In a short time everyone in college knew your name and your songs.

By the time your released your second CD I was working at Capitol-Emi records and got to do marketing and promotion for it. I watched you soar and become a household name. Then I watched you crash. Crash hard. A series of bad choices seemed to plague you. Or were those manipulations? I watched you tear up the Pope's picture from a ringside seat at SNL. Was that your idea? Or did someone at the record company make you do that? I was there at the Garden State Arts Center when you refused to let them play "The National Anthem" before your show. Something they did at every show. Again who's idea was that. Yours? Or maybe an overbearing manager? Sadly, the next time I met you the joy in your eyes had been replaced by a bitter anger. Backstage in New York show I tried to talk to you, remind you of our interview, but you told me to "Piss Off!" and had your thugs close off the VIP area so you could sit alone. You appeared to be in total control of the situation but maybe someone was exploiting you?

I understand why you are so angry and bitter today. The years have not been kind. Your career suffered greatly from all those bad choices (career and otherwise) but I have to think that not all of them were forced on you. As an artist you made decisions and did things based on what you thought was right. You were young. You made mistakes. Everyone has to make their own choices. Including Miley Cyrus. Good or bad.
Let her make mistakes (as you did.) Hopefully she will learn from them (as you should have.) I agree that watching her pushing the sexy envelope by twerking on an award show is a bad idea. It reminds me of a just born baby foal trying to get it's footing. It was clumsy and awkward and bad. One day she may realize that.

As to your point of her being exploited? No. You blaming record companies shows how out of touch you are with the way things are. Miley is managed by her mother. Everything she chooses is her choice. There is no group of adult males making her wear too short shorts or be naked in a video. She is pushing the envelope to create controversy and record sales. It is brilliant modern marketing. Cold. Calculated and controlled. Liike the choices you made. Sadly, your bad choices destroyed your career while hers seem to be making her a bigger star. Sinead you were kind to send the first letter but after the 4th you seem like a sad former star trying to latch on to a younger talent and maybe it's time you went away. Again. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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Live Fast. Die Young. Get An Emmy Tribute!

9/23/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that Hollywood (especially the TV industry) doesn't give a shit about the icons and innovators that helped make it popular. Case in point, last nights' Emmy Broadcast.
The "In Memoriam" section paid tribute to the TV stars who died this year. They went on about James Gandolfini (warranted) and "Glee" star Corey Monteith. (Not so much.) The did not however choose to mention 2 huge TV giants we also lost--Jack Klugman and Larry Hagman. Because after all "Glee" is a far more important show than "The Odd Couple," "I Dream Of Jeanie," "Quincy" or "Dallas" Right? No.

Corey Montieth did one show, for less than 5 seasons. Hardly a star in the grand tradition of TV. His death tribute should have been a 20 second flash on the screen, not a long drawn out presentation. Where else but Hollywood could a drug addict be given such a lovely send off? Why did he get undue respect? It's simple. He was young and beautiful when he died. Like at Marilyn Monroe and James Dean before him, Corey was a mediocre actor who left early. Think about it. Has Brando died moments after he yelled "Stella!" instead of years later when he was fat beyond reason, we would remember him as a genius and not the bloated joke he became.  Same for Liz Taylor and Orson Wells. Note to Lindsey Lohan, times up! If you hope for a loving tribute best to O.D. now.

In America we are quick to discard our history as old news. Tear down classic well built buildings to put up another strip mall. Call it progress. Old TV stars are old news. A few years back I was lucky enough to be friends with Joey Bishop, the legendary comic and actor.  In his career Bishop did 65 films, countless TV shows (including his own sitcom and late night talk show) and tens of thousands of club gigs. Before Jay Leno came along, Joey Bishop guest hosted "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" more times than anyone else. He also hosted John F Kennedy's inaugural ball. Headlined Vegas. He was the most important member of The Rat Pack. "He is the oil that makes the act run. Without him, there would be no show." Not my quote. Frank Sinatra's to Time Magazine in the 1960s. Yet when he passed both the Emmys and Oscars neglected to mention him in their tributes.

A few year previous I tried to get Joey Bishiop a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. I even met with "Honorary Hollywood Mayor" Johnny Grant. That little turd said, "Not sure we can do anything. does he have anything new going on?" Nope. He's just a legend. Grant did mention that if I could come up with Ten Thousand Dollars then maybe we could "Make It Happen." Seems that movie & TV companies with things to promote pay to get their casts stars on the walk of fame. They buy the stars! Shocking? No. Ultimately my request for a star for Joey Bishop, who had done more in Hollywood than most ,was denied. The chamber of commerce decided that Ryan Seacrest, Jennifer Lopez and even the above mentioned Johnny Grant were more worthy of the honor than Joey.

The Emmy's snub of Jack Klugman and Larry Hagman were shocking but not surprising. Nobody cares about the TV stars of the past. Except me, and I hope you. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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Miss America: Racism Alive & Well In The USA

9/16/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that as far as we have come, we still have miles to go in America when it comes to ending racism. Case in point the hate filled comments that peppered the internet after Miss New York, Nina Davuluri, a dark skinned woman of Indian decent, was crowned Miss America. Twitter post like "OMG a Dot Head is Miss America" and "Obama must be a happy a Muslim is now Miss America" flooded social media.

Never mind that Nina is beautiful, although not in the traditional Southern Bleached Blonde Miss Piggy way we are used to capturing the crown. Forget that she is smart (getting a degree) or that she wants top help the recent fire torn town of Seaside Heights, New Jersey. All that some ignorant people saw was the color of her skin. Proof positive that America is full of racists.

I've witnessed it first hand. I know, you're looking at my pale white exterior and think "White boy please!" True, I'm white. And Middle class. But my wife, the love of my life, mother of my kids is not. She's dark skinned Asian. Some think her Indian or even African American. But I choose her for the love in her heart, not skin color. I ignored my grandmother's advice "Don't marry a Darkie." Okay, she was from a different generation and gave my that tip to me in the 1970s. Times were different then. (or were they) I'm not calling my grandma a racist, she was a lovely woman full of heart and caring for everyone. The statement was something that came from her upbringing in the 1930s. When people didn't know better. But this is 2014 and they should now!

Nope. Many time in her presence I have seen racism up close. Dozens of times, people who would never think of themselves as ignorant have asked, "What are you?" Some still use the term "Oriental." Because we live in liberal California and often vacation in even more free New York City we easily forget that we are an inter-racial couple with mixed kids. On a recent trip to Florida we were dirty eyeballed by several hat wearing, God fearing locals at a local Cracker Barrel when my dark wife and I entered with our mixed kids. Years ago when we first started dating we were in the backwoods of Maine looking for a breakfast spot. We went to an empty Denny's (this was years before they were proved racist) and we seated in the back of the restaurant by a pile of dirty dished and garbage. When we asked for a better seat (the place only had 2 other couple eating there) we were told "This is the only table we have for your type." We left, but not until I called out the manager.

Racism exists in some places it always will. Miss America is beautiful. And she is dark skinned. And ignorant racists comments shouldn't ruin her moment and that's the Bitter Truth.

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Bitter Bits

9/15/2013

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The Bitter Truth is I often come up with little "Pearl Of Wisdom" I think will make for good blog posts. Put they are often too short to stand alone. So today I offer "Bitter Bits" a few small nuggets of Bitter Truth.

The Bitter Truth is that when a billboard of a smiling white guy running for political office gets placed and an urban area it is certain that someone will vandalize it. Adding devil horns, demon eyes, a thick mustache or clever lines about the person's mother or sexuality. Spray paint will be used. And 9 times out of 10 it makes the billboard better. Make that 10 times out of ten. And that's the Bitter Truth.

The Bitter Truth is people who get stuck in the middle seat on an airplane deserve to be there. The sad looking business man crammed between the fat lady with a lap baby and the no stop taker with bad breath belongs in that hell. Why? Because he was not quick enough or smart enough to get an aisle or window seat. In today's modern age only the weakest of the herd get stuck in the middle. It's a "Circle Of Life Thing" and that's The Biter Truth.

The Bitter Truth is boobs are great. Regardless of size or shape, breasts are God's greatest creation. Man Boobs however are not. And that's the Bitter Truth.

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Never Forget. Because We Have To Remember.

9/10/2013

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The Bitter Truth is some anniversaries you celebrate. While other you wish never happened. Case in point my first wedding. I still get chills at the end of every May. And September 11th (aka 911.) I remember that horrible day 12 years ago. Marivi & I were already living in Los Angeles and she was pregnant with our first child Audrey. We got up early as usual, turning on the TV just as the first plane slammed into the world trade center. "What the hell was that?" I asked Marivi. We were both shocked by what we saw. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was just a scene from the latest Michael Bay film. It couldn't be real. We stood starring. The phone rang shaking us out of our daze. It was Marivi's sister Tisha, "They're attacking the city! They're attacking New York!" she yelled. That was the moment we saw the second plane slam into the other tower.

I don't remember much of what happened for the next half and hour. More panicked calls from New York City and Rhode Island. More speculation on the TV. Something about a plane going down in Pennsylvania. And one hitting the Pentagon. Idiot Los Angeles broadcasters talked about how L.A. was a target. Man, this place wants to be New York so bad, even in a tragedy. Not really knowing what to do we both kissed, wiped away our tears and drove to our jobs. Why we didn't we just stay home? I have no idea. Shock led to us just trying to go about our routine. Maybe routine would make things better.

I remember how eerie my drive was to Paramount Pictures. Everyone on the 101 seemed to be driving in slow motion. People were crying in their cars. Some were screaming. Other just looked dazed like me. Numb. Instead of radios blasting out songs they all blared AM radio news. It was surreal. I drove trough the gates and made my way to the stage that housed the sitcom "Andy Richter Controls The Universe." Along the way I saw small groups of people consoling each other. Ted Danson hugged a female co-star who was balling her eyes out. Each step took forever. This isn't real. It can't be real. Please don't let it be real.

We waited on stage, listening to a cheap am radio broadcasting updates. Eventually everyone was told to just go home. I called Marivi and she too was on her way back to our place. Another trippy out of body experience drive down the 101. We arrived home within seconds of each other. Locked the doors. And climbed into bed. Silently. We watched the new coverage. The footage of the crashes played over and over and over again. After about and hour we turned off the coverage and just laid in bed. Silent. Holding on to each other. Wondering what kind of world we were about to bring our daughter into. Terrorists? How? Why? Hoping our New York City friends were alright. We just laid there trying to fall asleep. It wasn't even 5pm.

Today is the 12th anniversary of that tragic moment in history. And even though we wish it never happened, 911 did, and it forever changed our lives. We lost so much that day. Those innocent victims. The heroes. The joy of flying. No more reasonably priced bottled water. No more shoes. Those majestic buildings. Not to mention the hundreds of people who died in the years that followed from breathing in the dust everyone from first responders to singer Donna Summer (She blamed 911 for her cancer.) We lost our sense of security. We no longer felt safe in our own homes. Safe in our own country.

Somehow we found the strength to live on. Because we are Americans and that is what we do. We win. Not someone hell bent to destroying our spirit. So on 911 we remember and pray to God it never ever happened again. That's The Bitter Truth.

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<<Previous

BITTER BITS June 2014

50 Isn't Old. Now.

A Generation Of Bag Ladies (and Men)

The Fast And The Frivolous

Government Shut Down? Shut Down The Government

Open Letter To Sinead O'Connor

Live Fast. Die Young. Get An Emmy Tribute!

Miss America: Racism Alive & Well In The USA

Bitter Bits

Never Forget. Because We Have To Remember.

Keith Valcourt

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