Blog Archives - Keith Valcourt.com

Jesus vs The Easter Bunny

3/31/2013

The Bitter Truth is today is Easter and my kids are over it. At 5 years old my son's reaction to his Easter basket was a mix of disinterest and disdain. I never saw any harm in spoiling my kids, giving them everything the wanted, until now. And I'm pissed.

At it's heart Easter isn't supposed to be about a mystical over sized bunny that brings gifts and eggs. For Catholics it's about Jesus rising from the dead 3 days after he was crucified on the cross. Good times. No wonder some marketing genius took the focus off a bloody guy crawling from the grave and placed it on a fluffy gift bearing bunny .

The Easter Bible story was always suspect to me. The dead coming back? The main thing I focused on was if Jesus was dead for 3 days and then came back he must have smelled terrible. That alone would have freaked out followers. Today that Bible story seems prime for one of those funny Old Spice commercials. "Damn Jesus you stink! Try some old spice. With new heavenly scent!" If Jesus came back today we would either run in horror or grab our rifles and go for the head shot ala "The Walking Dead" And if I remember it right no one sees "Zombie Jesus." They just see that a giant stone has been removed from in front of the grave. Could grave robbers be to blame? Of some of Jesus's drinking buddies who wanted more time with their dead pal (ala Graham Parsons?)

Either way it looks like my kids are spoiled and yet another holiday has come to mean nothing but them adding more "Stiff" to their world. Time to crack down and pull focus. Appreciation is something we need more of in our life, not random toys and candy or not. And that's The Bitter Truth.

Homemade Gifts, The Best Crap You'll Ever Get

3/30/2013

The Bitter Truth is unless your kids is an art protegee or has an overbearing teacher that excels in craft making, homemade gifts from your kids are crappy.
For Easter our five year old son (I say "Our" where my wife always says "My") brought home what on first look seemed to be a pile of garbage. "IT's a butterfly!" he happily exclaimed. I guess I could see that. The half a milk carton, slit lengthwise, painted brown with pipe cleaners sticking out of one end and tissue paper stapled in the midsection could be a butterfly.

Okay. We smiled. In my mind I thought, "We'll keep this around for a week or so and then toss it in the trash." Then Nigel hit us with words that transformed this pile of recycled materials into a priceless family heirloom. "I made it for you for Easter! Because I love you." Cue violin music as clouds part and total awareness comes into view. This wasn't an art project gone wrong, a grouping of trash. Instead it was pure love. Something made by our five year old's own hands with the sole intention of bringing joy into the world. If it had come from anywhere else we would have considered it a bad gift. A very bad gift.

Trust me I've gotten some bad gifts over the years. Used oven mits, a football sausage and a sweater that even a Ricky Martin in his prime wouldn't dare wear. I used to keep a box of bad gifts in my closet for "White Elephant" and "Crap Poker" events. Both require you bring in the worst stuff you have to force on to someone else. At some point I had the idea that we can open a store in s mall somewhere called "Nothing Personal" where people can rgift all the bad gifts they got from rushed relatives or disconnected bosses. But this butterfly was too good for even that store.

Unlike the gift cards or ties you'll get from your kids as they get older, these early home made presents are made from pure love. So save them and keep them safe. Because one day soon your kids are smart ass teens who think they know better than you, you'll be able to pull them out, look at the shoddy workmanship and misspelled words and remember that once, those kids, who now think of you as an ATM, once loved you. And if you did right, they will love you again. But it may take years and that's The Bitter Truth.

Roadside Memorials Cause Accidents

3/29/2013

The Bitter Truth is Roadside Memorials to people who died, placed on the side of the street (also known as makeshift alters) comprised of photos, candles and stuffed animals are the saddest thing in the world. And they are so distracting that I have almost crashed my car while viewing them several times. They pull my focus as a driver away from the road. Maybe it's just me and I'm super aware and interested in the world around me. Maybe most people just drive by never noticing their surroundings. But I see them and they are a distraction as much so as those giant TV screen billboards on Sunset Blvd.

I'm mystified by Roadside Memorials. I don't know how, or why they start, and who builds them. And why they are placed where they are placed. When you see one does it mean that the the person being remembered die at that exact spot? I assume so. Otherwise why not have a memorial at a grave site or the victims home? And if someone is killed in front of your home is it rude to eventually take the memorial down? If not then how long should it remain? There is one tribute near my home that makes me sad. It's for a young man, a high school kid, who died near his school. After looking at it closely you see he was a runner, well loved and only around 15 or 16 when he died.

It started as the standard flowers, candles, teddy bears and card tribute and has now grown into a solid structure. The family of the boy have even gone so far as to buy the advertising on the bus bench to remember the kid who died way too soon. It's moving and lovely yet I wonder about people waiting there for the bus. Is it okay for them to sit on the bench? After all it is supposed to be a functioning seat to use while waiting for mass transit than a marker. And most days the candles, flowers and balloons prevent someone from actually taking a load off while waiting for the next crosstown express to arrive. Should an elderly lady have to stand behind the bench waiting while the alter sits comfortably?

Grief is a tricky thing. Each person goes through it at their own pace. If a bus bench honoring the memory of a lost friend of family member brings anyone comfort then they should be allowed it. Maybe leave room for someone to sit. And when building a roadside memorial maybe keep it simple so drivers like me don't crash into it and die. Then my family would have to build a memorial on top of someone's memorial and that would get way too confusing and that's The Bitter Truth.

No Quid Pro Quo?

3/28/2013

The Bitter Truth is Disneyland is too expensive now. The legendary theme park has become too pricey for everyone to enjoy. An average days admission for a family of four (not counting food and parking) is over $400.00. A few years back when money was not so tight, and there was just one kid, we had an annual membership. I can't afford to go to the Magic Kingdom with a family of four now that a year basic membership costs over $1,500.00 While most people today may say, "Just put it on the credit card." I say no. Credit cards have become a dumping ground for society's unaffordable desires. Most people fail to realize that you do eventually have to pay for the things you charge--or declare bankruptcy.

Since I am not willing to "Charge It!" Disneyland has not been some place we have visited much these days. Recently a friend of mine took a job at the Anaheim park. We will call him Bob. Because that's his name. One of the benefits Bob has while working at Disneyland is that most days he can sign in up to 3 guests for free. And since his kids are older and over the Disney thing, he extended the invite for me and my family to visit the park sans the high price of admission. Hell he even threw in free parking! We jumped at the chance to go. Once just me and the kids. Once the whole family (cost $100 for the day for Nigel.)

Both times I thanked Bob profusely for getting us in. On the second visit I offered to buy Bob a coffee of breakfast. After all Bob was doing my family a huge favor. "That's nice of you but I can't accept anything in exchange for signing you in. Disney has a strict "No Quid Pro Quo" policy." Bob informed me. No Quid Pro Quo? Otherwise known as "Tit For Tat." Really? A good portion of my life has been unstated quid pro quo.

Especially during the years 1989 tom 1997 when I worked in the music business. I had a whole network of trading partners actively schmoozing me. I would send promotional CDs and concert tickets for others CDs. Or books. Or DVDs, Gap clothes, fats food, movie tickets, Nabisco cookies, sneakers, bike parts and an entire high end stereo system. It was part of the job and the culture of the music business. My catch phrases in that time were "Buddy Buddy Buddy Take Care Of Me" and "If It's For Free, It Must Be, For Me!"

While I most people don't so something directly expecting something in return I don't think showing how thankful you are with a hot beverage is bad. There is nothing wrong with a little Quid Pro Quo. It's common courtesy to show you appreciate something. And we could all use a little more appreciation these days and that's The Bitter Truth.

We're All In The Same Boat, And It's Sinking.

3/27/2013

The Bitter Truth is that I, along with almost everybody I know, is "Under Employed." We all have jobs but the rising cost of living and lack of increased incomes (aka raises--remember them) has most of us struggling to get by. Draining our savings accounts and jacking up our credit card balances in order to avoid going under. There was a time where you were properly rewarded for working hard at your job. Nowadays most people are doing what used to be the jobs of 3 or 4 employees for what companies used to pay the mail room guy.

The mantra for most of my friends (and the majority of employers) is "Well at least you have a job." As if having a way to make a living is a gift from the God's you should savor rather than something your earned by getting a good education and learning the the skills needed to do it. If you complain to much remember "You can be replaced!" Usually by someone younger, hungrier, stupider than you who is willing to work for much less than you make now. Hell, they might even work for free!

Sadly, the two industries I made a good living in are now dying. The music business that threw lavish parties and sold millions of CDs in the 1980s and 1990 is now a scared husk of it's former self struggling to figure out how to create streams of income. And print publishing fades away more and more as the weeks past with circulation dwindling away to pathetically low levels. And most of them now jumping online decades too late are not paying for material. Hence the employees working for free. Young fresh faced kids just out of college are glad to give their sloppily constructed diatribes away because, "If I write for them for free now. Then maybe they will pay me later." Sorry, Hunter S. Thompson wanna be if you giving something away for free, when you ask for money later they will just find the next line of people willing to work for free. All you have done taken any perceived value away from the end product.

In these tough economic times we are all broke and facing the same fight. Oddly enough though knowing that we are all struggling to make ends meet is not comforting. Misery may love company but it doesn't make me feel better to know all my talented, creative and hard working friends are having it as rough as me and that's The Bitter Truth

Gun's Don't Kill People. People With Mental Illness & Guns Do.

3/26/2013

The Bitter Truth in the recent gun debate is that the guns themselves are not to blame. To use a tired phrase: "Guns Don't Kill People. People Kill People." Firearms are simply manufactured for people to for hunting or self protection. At least they used to be, And while restricting or regulating the sale of weapons is not a bad idea, especially assault weapons, the reality is the main issue is about the people who buy them, not the guns themselves.

In both the Sandy Hook School shooting and the Colorado Movie Theater Massacre the one common denominator was that the gunman suffered from mental illness. Each of the killers (sorry not gonna use the tern "alleged shooters" even though the Colorado murderer is still on trial) had long escalating history histories of mental problems. Had these individuals, and other like them, been dealt with there would be less innocent victims in the world.

There was a time when someone with mental illness was simply locked away in an mental institution. To protect him/her from themselves and from hurting society. Nowadays we just hand them a bottle of pills and send them home with a hearty: "Good Luck!" It may be time to go back to putting those with real issues into a place where they can get the help they need. Look them away. Re-open the "Nut Houses" as modern technologically advanced hospitals staffed top notch medical staff professionals who can help people battling mental illness. It won't be easy but it's better than letting another school full of kids die.

What would I do if God forbid one of my kids developed mental illness? Would I lock them away in hope that modern medicine would help them? I honestly don't know and hope I'll never have to. I do know that I would not take that kid to a gun range and shoot off weapons with them (as the mother of the Sandy Hook gunman did.) The worst part of all these mass shootings is that the end result is usually a mentally ill unstable killer guns down a bunch of innocents before taking their own life. May I suggest to anyone out there who is thinking about hurting people that don't deserve it--get medical help. Or if you really want to do some damage skip killing innocents and cut right to the punch--Kill Yourself! The world would be better with out you and that's The Bitter Truth.

Hey Catholics! Thanks For The Diarrhea!

3/25/2013

The Bitter Truth is I'm Catholic. Not super crazy, go to church ever day Catholic, but Catholic none the less. I was born and raised into the faith. Although I consider myself a liberal Catholic, which means I pick and choose what aspects of the religion I believe. (Gay marriage is okay by me.) The Catholics even have a cute name for it--"Cafeteria Catholic." My wife and I have even chosen to not only raise our kids in the faith, but send them to a Catholic school.

The Bitter Truth is that public schools in Los Angeles are terrible and our Catholic School is extremely high rated in quality of education. Aka best school possible. Having your kids in a Catholic School means you are now part of the church community. Being part of that means you have to attend events linked to the church including the dreaded "Spaghetti Dinner." Not that the event isn't pleasant enough. It's a nice chance to catch up with the other parents you like while surface greeting the ones you don't. There is always a raffle where we seem to win a fabulous prize or two (this year Nigel scored a cool RC truck) and the food is pretty good. So the problem is not the event itself.

It's the next day when I'm running back and forth to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. Thanks Catholics! Unlike restaurants, which have to adhere to strict rules about food preparation and distributing. The food at the spaghetti dinner is made, cooked and served by volunteers. Not chefs. There is no health inspector showing up to make sure the surface the meatball were made us was sterilized or if things were cooked at the proper temperature. It's a crap shoot. Literally. You never know how it's all gonna work out.

Now my wife says I am to blame. I have several food restrictions including seafood allergies and being "Lactose Intolerant" (Aka milk products make me poop--A lot.) And she warned me the delicious meat balls may have milk or cheese in them. At least she said she warned me but who could hear her over the guy calling out raffle winners and the table full of "Good Time Catholics" (aka drunks who still think they are in college) behind us. Next time maybe I'll just go for the raffle.

The Bitter Truth Is This post took almost 3 hours to finish because of the after effects. But blogging is important to me. And if I've gone to far and been to gross, I'm sorry. And... I gotta go to the bathroom again and that's The Bitter Truth.

Kid's Birthday Parties Suck

3/24/2013

The Bitter Truth is no on wants to go to a kid's birthday party. Except kids. And maybe the parents of the guest of honor. Maybe. Because, honestly, children's birthday celebrations suck.
They are loud, germ filled and highly annoying. They are more work than they are party. And the younger the birthday child, the worse it gets.

The food is usually disgusting, either greasy cheap pizza or deep fried processed chicken meat shaped like dinosaurs, washed down with the most unnatural flavors of soda you can imagine. "Cactus Cooler" Huh? Then there is the centerpiece of the party, the dreaded "Bouncy House." AKA a giant inflated petri dish with lawsuit written all over it. Tossed in the lawn and hastily assembled by a couple guys with the most broken down pickup truck you've ever see. I have to admit we have had the bouncy house at our home on several occasions. And I hate it! Not only do I spend the entire first hour after it arrives crawling around inside with antiseptic wipes cleaning out the "Fun" from dozens of parties this thing has been at before arriving here my kid's special day.

The rest of the party is spent with me outside the thing policing the action that goes on within. Praying to god that no one gets hurt and that their parents don't sue me and take away my home and lawn where they will host their kid's parties for years to come while my family and I live in a cardboard box behind a warehouse in Van Nuys that stores deflated bouncy houses. Party? Good times.

We recently attended my one year old nephew's celebration. And as much as I like the little guy (you were expecting love? Too soon) it was not fun. The guest of honor slept through lunch, then started crying the minute he saw all the people there to mark his special day. attending a party for a one year old is as painful as visiting an senior citizen riddle with Alzheimers in a nursing home. The incoherent babble and confused stares of both main characters make the whole experience uncomfortable for everyone. And in the end both the one year old and the senior end up crapping their pants. Kid's Parties suck and that's The Bitter Truth.

Melissa McCarthy Is Too Fat

3/22/2013

The Bitter Truth is this blog post should have been up two weeks ago but my website was still in the process of being built. That was when film critic Rex Reed called funny lady Melissa McCarthy, star of TV's "Mike & Molly" and the films "Bridesmaids" and "Identity Thief," too fat. He actually called her a hippo.

The Bitter Truth is Melissa is too fat. As were Fatty Arbuckle, Totie Fields, John Candy, Rosanne Barr and Chris Farley before her. And like those comedy icons, McCarthy is also very funny. Her weight is part of why we laugh so hard at what she does. But in time it is also going to cause her a myriad of heath issue that could include high blood pressure, stroke and heart attack.

Heavyset people think of her as an inspiration. Melissa's success in show business proves that people of all shapes and sizes should be proud of themselves and strive to make their all dreams come true. Which I fully support. Unless those dreams are of fat people being bikini models. Then I say "Stop the madness!"

The part of the story that shocked me the most was the uproar against film critic Rex Reed for expressing his opinion. He is a film "CRITIC" for Christ's sakes. His job is to make nasty comments about movies and the actors/actresses that star in them. For decades he's picked apart the appearances of film and TV stars. And we used to find that bitter old queen's snipes funny. That was before we became all Politically Correct (AKA P.C.) Have we really forgotten what show business used to be about? We never went to see film stars that looked like us!

Actresses were beyond beautiful and perfect in every way. Fat people in films were the butt of the jokes, not the stars. Maybe reality TV is to blame. Or maybe we just got sick of looking at people that were prettier than us. Maybe stars like Kevin James and Melissa McCarthy make us feel better about ourselves. "She's overweight and famous so it's okay that I am too." While there is no doubting what an amazing talent she is, Melissa McCarthy needs to lose weight. And Rex Reed had the right to say what he said. Society has become way too P.C. and sensitive, it's just show business and that's The Bitter Truth.

To Blog Or Not To Blog? That Is The Question.

3/22/2013

The Bitter Truth is that no one is clever every single day. But if you choose to write a blog you have to post at least once every twenty four hours period. Or so I've been told. I you don't then how will you be thought of as an important voice in our modern technology based society?

As an artist I am driven to create but nowadays art is rushed and short lived. In the printed age and author would toil for years to create a book. If successful that book would be enjoyed for generations. Handed down.

Same went for music. Albums like "Dark Side Of The Moon" and "Morrison Hotel" were constantly being discovered by new generations of fans, handed down over decades. They were known as classics. But today music comes and goes. Modern hits aren't even good enough to be tomorrow's car commercials. Twenty years from now no one except for nostalgia hungry 30 somethings will want to hear "Sexy & I Know It" or "Gangman Style." We just churn art out for momentary enjoyment and move on to the next thing. No staying power.

With that pressure to rush out a blog this morning I have to admit this post was hastily typed and is probably not the best thing I have ever written and that's The Bitter Truth.