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Tattoo You. Not me. You

5/30/2013

The Bitter Truth is if you have a tattoo on your face, neck or tit, you're most likely not in high finance. And forgive if if I don't want to give you my money to look after. Not happening. And also you can't watch my kids. Sorry, someone who dedicated their entire life to getting everything tattooed probably isn't a great babysitter. This post was generated after I heard a guy with a skeleton tattooed on his face complaining to another guy with a spiderweb tattooed on his bald head that he "Couldn't get no damn good job yo." He went on to blame "The man for keeping me down." Okay look I am not against Tattoos. But if you cover you neck, face and head with them don't complain that society is out to get you because you can't get certain jobs. You are scary! You look like a super villain, not a banker.

Tattoos are expressions of who you are. I have no issue with people who choose to illustrate their life on their skin. It's your story to tell and if you choose to speak it in ink. That's cool.

But there are restrictions. To be honest I don't have any Tats. I did 0nce considered getting a small Herve' Villechaize tattoo on my arm. That way I could say "Hey you wanna see my Tattoo?" and then reveal my ink of the character Tattoo from "Fantasy Island." Funny? What? You don't remember "Fantasy Island?" See the reference is dated already. That's why I didn't get it. You really have to think long and hard about what you put on your body. It should be forever. Sure you can get them removed now with a painful laser but no one likes a quitter.

And if you tattoos creep up from from your arms to chest and then to neck and face be prepared to be looked at differently. (Isn't that honestly why you got a face tat in the first place?) And there will be jobs no one will hire you for despite your skill set. If you have face tattoos you may have to settle for being a biker, or extra on "Sons Of Anarchy" or contestant on "Cupcake Wars" (seriously what's with bakers & tattoos.) Know that going in. If you want to ink yourself go ahead. Just think before you ink. Get whatever you want. Except the "Tramp Stamp" that's just for porn stars or whores. Same thing really. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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The Bitter Truth About The Bitter Truth Is

5/28/2013

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The Bitter Truth is you may agree with everything you read in my blog. You may not think everything is true. But that's because your not that bright. Actually, some days, you're an idiot. Things I write may actually make you mad. And that's a good thing. Because a blog is supposed to stimulate conversation and debate. It shouldn't be all flower filled fluff. Like most mommy blogs. A blog should cause a reaction. So if you read something I wrote and think..."How could he write that?!" Then my job is done. I welcome feedback to all my posts. Also The Bitter truth about my blog is that is really is just written by me. Usually quickly and in the wee small hours. So there will be typos and issues with grammer. Or is it grammar? See I don't have a staff of writers and editors making my words sound pretty.

A couple of friends of mine, Eric Althoff and Adam Mars do chime in from time to time to point out the mistakes. But they don't do it all the time and aren't getting paid. Sorry guys, you are not. I do my best to write 2-3 times a week. But since it's a passion project and not a paid gig other things take priority. Now if someone wants to pay me for my random thoughts I am more than willing to make it my full time job. Until then this is what you get. As my son said the other day when they were handing out cupcakes and everyone wanted to green frosted ones--"You get what you get and you don't complain." Even at 5 years old my son is smarter than you and that's The Bitter Truth.

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You're The 92nd Caller

5/24/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that radio contest winners are not winners. Anyone who has all day to sit around calling the same phone number again and again and again in hopes of winning Bieber concert tickets is far from a winner. They may just be shut in who's next shot at fame is when "Hoarders" shows up at their house to film "A Very Special Episode." As someone who once worked in the music business I also know that radio call in contests aren't always on the up and up. (That's old guy speak for legit.) Many a time pals at radio stations put the names of friends and family members on the winners list.

In college I had what seemed like a very boring work study job. I was the college switchboard operator. Sitting in the basement of my dorm building 100 Beacon Street I would spend 2-4 hours a day answering the phones "Hello Emerson College" and directing the calls to various departments on campus. Pretty ho-hum until a buddy of mine hipped to the fact that I would program the huge switchboards 50 plus lines to speed call any number. Suddenly my desktop switchboard became the most powerful winning machine on campus. I programmed all the local radio stations contest line phone numbers into it. The guys in the mailroom next to my office would then tune their 3 radios to the main stations in Boston. Each guy assigned to a different station. When contest time came each guy would scream out: "CALL WBCN!!!" or "CALL KISS 108." With the press of a button all 50 lines would dial away making me the correct caller almost every time. Sorry to anyone trying to reach Emerson College at that moment. The lines were too busy to accept incoming calls. The winnings came rushing in LPS, t-shirts and eventually CDS, books, comedy club passes and piles of concert tickets flowed to me and my inner circle .

The ultimate was the time on WBCN when I became the "Grand Prize Winner!" Excited I said, "Great! Um, what did I win?" The DJ said, "You won two tickets to see Eddie Money at Club Casino in Hampton New Hampshire." "Oh. Um okay." I said. Eddie Money? New Hampshire? No thanks. Figured I'd just give them a fake name and never claim the prize. Then he added, "You also get a free limo ride, booze and backstage passes to meet Eddie Money!" "A limo ride? Did you say a limo ride? And free booze!?" I asked excited. "And you gte to meet Eddie Money." The DJ replied. "yeah. But you did say a limo ride right?" I was the grand prize winner!! Off to New Hampshire my buddy Chris Stearns and I went in a limo, drinking the whole way. And yes we got to meet Eddie Money backstage. I only remember we were so drunk we insulted Eddie minutes after the photo was taken. Soon after the people who had been so nice to use when we arrived turned hostile and escorted us out of the club. Don't recall seeing Eddie Money's show. But the limo ride back to Boston was well worth the trip.

A week later I missed out on being the correct caller for the same package including limo and backstage passes to meet The Cure. I think that contest was rigged. Nowadays I don't bother trying to call into radio stations and I think people who do should consider doing other things with their lives like volunteer work or getting a job. I was "The Grand Prize Winner" but you will never be and that's The Bitter Truth.

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Sometimes Old Is Old

5/22/2013

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The Bitter Truth is Huey Lewis & The News hit filled album "Sports" is now 30 years old. Jesus. The album, That's right I said ALBUM. Not CD. Not Digital Download. Album. Record. LP was one I bought with my own money at age 15. I traveled on my bike to the record store inside the Harbor Mall in Fall River, Mass to get it. Carefully tucking it under my arm for the drive home. The album was different from the rest of the stuff I was listening to at the time. I was very big into English New Wave (Duran Duran, Talk Talk, The Fixx etc.) But there was no denying the hit power and massive airplay. I was always a sucker for an over played tune. And "Sports" was being played on all the Rock and Pop stations in Rhode Island.

This LP had no less than 5 hits on it "Heart Of Rock N Roll", "I Want A New Drug", "Heart & Soul", "Bad Is Bad" and "If This Is It." The songs were catchy and anyone could sound good singing along to them, regardless of musical talent. (Hootie and The Blowfish used that trick in the 90s.) Huey Lewis and his band of un-rock looking white dudes ruled the charts and were on top of the world. Now it's 30 years later. The album has been re-released with a bunch of bonus tracks (mostly live takes on the hits) and that makes me official old. That and the fact that I have to dye my gray hair. Once very 6 weeks or so. Hell even my chest hair is now going gray! Do they make a dye for that? Since I don't ever appear shirtless (See Abercrombie & Fat Post) I guess I shouldn't care.

Thirty years have passed since I took that bike ride from the mall to my grandparents house. Lots has changed. My grandparents have both died. As have some of my childhood friends. The Harbor Mall is still there but the record store is long gone. They do have a Wall-Mart though. Progress? Maybe not. They say vinyl is making a comeback but not on the level it once sold. Kids don't care about Album artwork and production credits. And they don't care about "Sports."

Huey Lewis and The News still tour and release records. Although the band is mostly non original members. Apart form Huey (who was great on "Hot In Cleveland" and the nerdy sax guy I believe the rest of the band is new. The creepy bass player is long gone. And the songs sound a bit dated today next to all the wub wub wub of EDM and Dubstep. But that's a good thing. Huey Lewis and The News were never hip. (Remember "Hip To Be Square"?) but they were a great American rock band. And "Sports" remains an important rock record. Even thought it's old. Like me. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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Abercrombie & Fat

5/21/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that the guy who runs Abercrombie and Fitch is a massive Douche bag. But he also has the right to be.

CEO Mike Jeffries (he's the pale botched plastic surgery looking dude seen here) was quoted as saying: "In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don't belong [in our clothes], and they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don't alienate, but you don't excite."

That's right FAT ASS, Abercrombie doesn't make clothes for you. Or me. And fat people are all up in arms. Shocking?! Tubby please. Look the place has always been about young and in shape people. Their homo erotic ad campaigns feature shirtless guys with more six packs than a giant liquor warehouse. Zing! They have never welcomed anyone apart from the young and pretty or those who pretend to be. Most people I know have never shopped at A&F, I know I haven't. Even 20 years and 35 pounds ago I didn't buy their clothes. They always struck me as overpriced GAP or Banana Republic knock offs. Their stores were always full of shirtless guys and sad older woman. Now known as "Cougars." I never had the desire to walk around shirtless showing off my abs. I never had them but we're getting off the point here.

So Melted Faced Mike hates fat people. And it's fine. Because in America when you own a business and you create a product you should be able to decide who your consumer base is. No mind you, you can't do that if it spreads hate. Maybe we need someone to regulate what people wear? Especially now that fashion critic Mr. Blackwell is dead. Almost everyday in L.A. I see skinny woman dressed in youthful tight fitting attire. From behind they resemble college freshman. Then they turn around and you realize that "Hot Young Thing" is actually 85 years old! She looks like the Crypt Keeper in yoga pants! Yikes!

The same goes for the fat ladies in belly shirts and Juicy sweat pants. If the material is stretched out so far your ass reads JJJJJJJJJJUUUUUUUUUIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCY then you need to re-think your wardrobe. Think Pink? How about think about getting to Weight Watchers? I'm not perfect. I actually eating cereal while typing this (and it's the middle of the night) But we all need to learn to dress our age (and weight.) And even though Abercrombie doesn't want fat people to shop at their stores, they have a right to make clothes not for you. Just like you have the right to continue not to shop there and that's the Bitter Truth.

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Ray Manzarek: Break On Thru

5/20/2013

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The Bitter Truth is one of the most creative musical forces of the 1960s has died. Ray Manzarek, the keyboard player and musical mastermind behind the legendary L.A. band The Doors, lost his battle with cancer. At first everyone thought this was one of those internet hoaxes. People even argued with me that I was an idiot to buy into it. But sadly, CNN has confirmed Manzarek has passed away in Germany after a long battle with the disease.

5 plus years ago I had the pleasure of meeting and interviewing him at the Sunset Strip offices of The Doors. The walls were covered with platinum albums and pictures of young Ray and young Jim Morrison, young John Densmore and young Robbie Krieger. Larger than life images of rock gods in their prime. Ray told stories of the bands heyday with the joy and wonder of a child on Christmas morning. He reveled in the hazy days of tripping with Jim on acid, playing those songs around the world. The arrests, the groupies. He told me one story of Jim Morrison receiving oral from Nico while Andy Warhol directed. He told the tale with such graphic detail I felt like I had witnessed it in person. And it made me blush. When he spoke of losing Jim Morrison his joy turned to sorrow. The mourning seemed as fresh as if Morrison had died that day and not decades before. Sadness filled his eyes the way I imagine it is filling the eyes of his friends and band mates today. He was a gentleman and one hell of a story teller.

As a musician he was a mystical being. Who else could play two parts of a song at the same time? Ray was the keyboard player and, for all intensive purposes, the bass player. The way he worked those foot pedals in association with those keys was nothing short of magical. He's the reason I loved The Doors. Surprised I love The Doors? Don't be. I get it. On the surface it seems weird that I would love them. After all I am a child of the 80s not the 60s. But The Doors are a timeless band that seem to get re-discovered by every generation. I found them senior year of high school (1985) Is it clever marketing? Maybe. There was that not half bad film starring Val Kilmer. Most likely it's that quality will also rise to the top. That's why some day my kids who now listen to Carly Rae Jepsen and Psy will discover The Doors. At least I hope so.

At some point in every music fans life they find the magic and power of Ray, Robbie, John and Jim. Hipsters know that years from now Grizzly Bear and Arcade Fire (both decent bands) will be footnotes in musical history compared to the lasting legacy of The Doors. Everyone loves The Doors whether they are too hip to admit it or not and that's The Bitter Truth. R.I.P Ray.

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Farewell To "The Office" From A Former Staffer

5/16/2013

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The Bitter Truth is one of the smartest TV shows to come along in the last ten years is closing its doors. Tonight marks the series finale of the American version of NBC's "The Office." Although some critics have said the series should have ended when top line star Steve Carrell departed 2 seasons ago I will miss the work free hijinks of Jim, Pam, Oscar, Creed and Dwight. I will always have a special place in my heart for the show because they gave me what many consider my greatest acting job.

On Episode 2 of Season 2 I played "TED" the narrator of the sexual harassment video Michael and the team are forced to watch by HR. The episode is the number one fan favorite (or so I've been told) because it features the birth of Michael Scott's catch phrase "That's what she said." The episode has aired dozens of times since we filmed 7 years ago. The residual checks come in 4 to 6 times a year. And although not huge, they are nice little surprises that buy me groceries or sneakers or medicine for my kids. They are a gift that keeps giving. As Dire Straits said, "Money For Nothing." Or in this case more money for a job I would have done for free.

I remember my day on the set. How friendly Jenna and John were. How Steve asked me to join him and his folks doing yoga. How the writers loved what I did so much they wrote additional scenes that never aired but may show up as bonus features now that the show has ended. I remember the rush of excitement watching it air on NBC for the first time. And the many calls/emails I received from people telling me how proud they were to see me on the show. It was one of the top ten moments of my life. So with the show going off the air I wanted to say thanks to the show's creators, writers, stars and director Ken Kwapis for letting me be a small part of your historical ground breaking sitcom. You will be missed. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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Keep The Kids? Or Keep The Vinyl?

5/9/2013

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The Bitter Truth is life is full of choices and none is harder than whether or not to have kids. Because if you do you will lose many things in exchange for all the joy and love a child can bring into your life. Sleep? Wild Sex? Days out with friends? Yeah they may be lost. And then there are the little things like a fast car, booze and last but not least--your vinyl record collection. Yup those beloved pieces of precious music have to go if you're welcoming little ones into the world. Why? First off kids, like vinyl, need a lot of space. Amazing how something so small needs so much stuff and how all that stuff needs some place to be. You're office/record room has to go. Baby needs a nursery. And those bookshelves that held your LPs (long Players) would be perfect to hold diapers & Onesies (Baby t-shirts) and copies of the book "Goodnight Moon."

So those beloved music discs have to go. You can put them in storage. Which seems cruel to do to something that you have known and loved for so many years. Or you can take the ultimate step and sell off the valuable ones while giving the rest away. A giant chunk of my Rat Pack records now live in Palm Springs at the home of Peter Gilstrap. I know he loves them dearly. I choose kids and am glad I did. Records won't hug you for no reason. And a box of rare 45s won't take care of you in your later years. No LP comes close to the joy I feel from my kids. Okay maybe Sammy Davis jr.: "Live At The Coconut Grove" of The Replacements "Tim." But no kids are better. Then again records don't need constant attention and will never ask you to clean up their poop. Kids? Or Vinyl? It's a tough decision. But YOU have to choose.

I've made my decision and picked the kids. They provide me with hours of entertainment and love and are more fun to listen to then my old albums. But there are some day when I want to run screaming from them to the comfort of my man cave where I can break out the hidden, drastically reduced record collection I have managed to keep and listen to the sweet crackle of Pre-Dad bliss. I want to. But I don't. Those moments are nothing compared to the love I feel from my two amazing, beautiful kids and that's The Bitter Truth.

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Matt Kemp Is Not Jesus

5/8/2013

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The Bitter Truth is Matt Kemp is a pro baseball player who makes millions of dollars--Not Jesus. Fox news here in Los Angeles reported that at the end of a recent game Kemp reached out to shake hands with a fan in a wheelchair who is terminally ill with cancer. The fan has been given only 90 days to live. Kemp not only said hello but gave the guy a signed ball, his jersey, cap and cleats all while cameras rolled on this "Impromptu Gesture." The newscaster went on to rave about who the baseball played "Changed the fans life." While I don't mean to downplay his recent kindness I do have to call Bullshit! This was not an unplanned act of random kindness. It was a well calculated PR stunt.

Kemp claimed he didn't know that the camera (which was perfectly in focus) was rolling. If that is true then why was there a Dodgers PR rep standing on the field near Kemp? How did he know about the dying fan? The story is that the third base coach Tim Wallach was talking to the guys Uncle during the game. The Uncle told Wallach who then informed Matt Kemp that the kid was terminal. Again I call Bullshit!

When has anyone at a pro baseball game been able to have a long and informative conversation with an official on the field? Maybe Kemp isn't to blame. Maybe its' the Dogers who turned this gesture into a PR blitz. Or the newscaster who gushed about how great Kemp was and how he "Saved The Kids Life." And
don't get my wrong Kemp did a nice thing. He made someone who is having a hard time in life feel a little bit better. But He did not cure the kids terminal cancer and that's The Bitter Truth

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Know Your Neighbors!

5/8/2013

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The Bitter Truth is Cleveland is a miserable place. I once spent 4 days there against my will because I had to testify in a court case on behalf of my former employer. The city was depressing, the people who lived there broke and angry. And the whole place smelled like chemicals and poop. A scent the locals said came off the mighty Lake Erie which runs alongside the city. They also told me that "Eventually you get used to it." Thankfully I got out before my sense of smell was completely ruined. It's a place that has seen better days. And you probably have to be drunk, stoned or dead to live there.

When I heard the news story about three young women who were separately kidnapped over ten years ago were found alive living in a makeshift dungeon in the basement of a suburban home I was horrified, shocked and mystified. When I heard it was in Cleveland I was not surprised. What seemed unexplainable to me is how these girls could have been held captive in the same suburban home for over a decade without anyone ever noticing anything odd. Without a neighbor or passer by seeing something that may have caused them to alert the local police.

Maybe I'm living in the past? I remember growing up in the suburbs knowing all the people (kids & adults) in the neighborhood. On hot days Mrs. Chapman would call us into her front hall for Ice Cream. We never feared she would tie us up and lock us in the attic. Mrs. Boardman would warn us to clear the street during stick ball games in when cars were coming. And tip an extra quarter when we delivered her paper directly to her hands. She never tried to molest us. We knew that the Deldonos would always pretend not to be home on Halloween (Cheap) and that. Which was fine since we needed a place to throw the rotten eggs we got from The Simpsons ducks. Lifelong friendships were made. Crushes came and went. You could count on your neighbors to watch out for you. And you had their backs. Anytime and odd or unfamiliar person showed up on the street you best believe the cops were called.

What happened this week in Cleveland makes me realize today we don' know who most of our neighbors are. We spend years living side by side with people who could be anything from murderers to meth addict and creeps. We keep our windows locked on even the hottest nights. We live as isolated strangers. Captive in our homes. And if we're lucky all we ever do with our neighbors is exchange insincere hellos and good mornings while passing each other in the street. Then world has become a detached lonely place. I miss knowing everyone in my neighborhood. I miss that innocence. Hell, I even miss the cheap ass Deldanos. But, sadly, those days are long gone and that's The Bitter Truth.

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<<Previous

Tattoo You. Not me. You

The Bitter Truth About The Bitter Truth Is

You're The 92nd Caller

Sometimes Old Is Old

Abercrombie & Fat

Ray Manzarek: Break On Thru

Farewell To "The Office" From A Former Staffer

Keep The Kids? Or Keep The Vinyl?

Matt Kemp Is Not Jesus

Know Your Neighbors!

Keith Valcourt

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