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Back On The Blog

9/10/2013

The Bitter Truth is I'm not a "new kid" but I am back on the block. Or is it blog? The summer had ended, the kids are happily back in school and I once again have things to say. Hope everyone enjoyed their "Vacation." Although the definition of vacation means time off from work to have fun. Truth is for me it was Time off with no work, working my ass off so the kids can have fun. And fun we had. From theme parks to meeting their favorite stars, my kids had a full and awesome adventure between June and August 2013. Me? I enjoyed watching them and even though there were several moments where I lost my cool , mostly at McDonald's drive through employees near Knott's Berry Farm, (No Cheese means NO CHEESE!) It was a good summer.

But not blogging meant I missed several comment worthy events. So here's some quick thoughts. Royal Baby? Who cares? He's going to be bald and have bad teeth by the time he's 30. My kids are cuter. The big story was how one man could murder another man and be found not guilty thanks to a "Stand Your Ground" law. The kids was unarmed and Zimmerman is a wanna be "Dirty Harry." No surprise that just this week he was arrested on a gun related issue. I'm all for self protection but this guy is a killer.

And those seem to be the only events I remember from the summer. Maybe my time was better spent building memories with my kids? Yes it was. And that's the not so Bitter Truth.

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Almost

8/22/2013

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The Bitter Truth is coming back in one week. Be w

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Lots To Say. No Time To Be Witty.

7/23/2013

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The Bitter Truth is The Bitter Truth is on vacation. Summer Vacation. Or to be more on the nose, summer working my ass off while the kids are on vacation. Every day has been full of fun activities and memory making moments. Away from that there is still laundry, cleaning, lawn care and the endless search for a new job. So remember even thought I'm not posting daily or weekly, I'm still here. You will have to wait till August 27th (Kids back at school) for my thoughts on Travon Martin, The Royal Baby and Kanye going nuts. Trust me.. It will be worth the wait. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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A Post Free Summer?

7/1/2013

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The Bitter Truth is I get frustrated very easily. And I hate creating in a void. For years I wrote/produced and performed in hundreds on shows. Some one man. Some sketch comedy troupes. Most pretty good. But at the end of the day it didn't lead to anything bigger. Half the point of being a creative artist was to progress up the show business ladder and get to the point where I could make a living as an "artist." That never really happened on the sale at which I imagined/dreamed it would. So I stopped making art.

But the other half the point of creating is because there is a voice inside me that gnaws away and forces me to do something. It's in my blood. In my heart. Nowadays I try to find outlets for it. I have my band Pacmaniac and we play shows. People seem to enjoy them. I sure the hell do. And there is my writing, which from time to time, has let me earn a living. I started this blog in hopes of it becoming my next creative outlet but lately feel like the void is back, and I'm creating for no one except myself and Adam Mars. Does anyone read these posts? If so please comment. Good or bad I would like to know that someone is out there. The feedback (or lack of it) will help me decide if I'm going to continue The Bitter Truth or stop. Since summer is full of kid related activities I don't expect to post much. Unless the inner voice comes gnawing and I can't stop it. Lately it's easier to ignore and that's The Bitter Truth.

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Fun For The "Whole" Family? I Think Not

6/26/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that family trips are rarely "Fun For The WHOLE Family." For most parents get a raw deal. You spend so much time making sure your kids have a great time (that they will remember for the rest of their lives) that you end up tired and stressed. You have to drive and hours behind the wheel listening to the songs your kids dig played over and over again is painful. Thankfully my kids have moved on from the kiddie songs like "Wheels On The Bus" and "Row Row Your Boat." But I ask, is hearing "I Don't Care" by Icona Pop 15 times in a row that much better?

This summer will test my meddle. I'm not working, and can't afford to put the kids in camp (because I'm not working) so the summer of 2013 is on me. I have to plan FUN every day. "KAMP KEITH" has so far taken the kids to Palm Springs, Hearst Castle, Knott's Bery Farm, to see "Monster's University," Universal City Walk, and i-Phone shopping. Up next? Bowling and Disneyland.

And that is just the first week! How will I keep them from saying "Dad, I'm bored!" for the next 2 plus months? I have no idea. With limited cash to spend and temps expected in the high 90s it will be rough. I'm open to ideas. Whatever we do I know there will be moments of failure and pure exhaustion. I also hope there will be moments of joy and celebrations. Because Family Fun is work for me, and any parents that try to make something special of the summer. I love my kids but Family Fun for me involves my couch, old TV shows and a Del's Lemonade and that's The Bitter Truth.

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Asians Take Polariods

6/11/2013

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The Bitter Truth is Asians like to take photographs. Yet there are no world famous Asian photographers. And no, Annie Lebowitz isn't Asian, she just looks that way. Okay maybe that is a truth from the 1980s where it seemed every Asian tourist had a large camera (or cameras) around their neck. Maybe because the technology in their home countries was so good they all had cameras. I'm not sure. Nowadays seems we are all Asian and we as a culture are obsessed with taking pictures. Of everything. And then posting them for the world to see. Notice I didn't say enjoy.

Seems you can't go to a concert without some drunk holding up their iPhone in front of me blocking my view of the show so they can capture the amazing moment forever. Or at least until they post it to Instagram. They are so busy trying to document the experience they actually don't experience anything.

If that isn't annoying enough there are people taking pictures of themselves. Those little moments of Narcissistic behavior are called "Selfies." The worst are people who feel the need to take photos of everything that they eat. Pre and post chow down. Not everything needs to be photographed I know that sounds odd coming from a guy who had thousands of celebrity photo ops. But it's true. Thanks to modern technology we are now that Asain over doing it with a camera. It is time to just stop photographing luife and start living it and that's The Bitter Truth. Oh and hipsters, yes, I took the name of this post from an album title from the band Japan, who aren't Asian.

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That Movie Was Retarded. I'm Sorry, "Special Needs."

6/1/2013

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The Bitter Truth is we just sat through a retarded screening of the animated film "Epic." Unknown to us we went to AMC in Burbank, CA for the first screening of the day as we've done hundreds of times before. We love starting our Saturday am with a new kids movie. The theater is super clean, the popcorn fresh and the first screening is always discounted (yeah I'm cheap!) As we heading to the theater I noticed the words SF on our tickets. Not sure what that meant I didn't pay it any mind. Well I wish I had!

Once the movie started overactive children started to run around the theater Some laughing. Some moaning. A child who appeared to be 14 of so ran up to the screen and started to rub and hug it while the preview for "Smurfs 2" played. Okay. Maybe he just really likes The Smurfs. Then he started humping the images. He REALLY likes Smurfs. Another kid started to bang his head into the palm of his hand again and again. And Again. We started to think, "What the funk? Can't people control their kids?" Several other families without over active kids send parents out to complain. A manger type popped her head in and tried to control the kids. They would settle down for a few moments then go at it again once she left.

It wasn't until the movie ended that we realized this was a retarded (not PC term, I know) Movie. Turn out the mysterious SF on our tickets stood for Sensory Friendly. Do you know what that means? Probably not unless there is a special needs kid in your life. It means this showing of the film is set for Special Need folks.
We had not idea! And we were not alone. Several other families at the film didn't know what SF meant. They left as angry as we did. We all just wanted to see the first screening on the day and ended up with a miserable experience. How is anyone without a special needs child supposed to know that the SF code (As I said I learned hours later stands for Sensory Friendly) means that special needs kids are welcome to run and scream around the theater?

Why the funk didn't the pimple faced kid who sold us tickets at the AMC tell us that the 10am was for kids with special needs and that maybe we would prefer to see the 10:20 movie that was not "Sensory Friendly?" See I didn't say the 10:20 "Normal" screening. I get that autistic children and retarded (dated term I know) adults want to enjoy films. And I applaud AMC for setting something up for them. But WHY THE FUNK DIDN'T YOU LET THE REST OF US KNOW?! And why didn't the AMC manager try to make up for the bad experience? Saying "I'm sorry but ti is a SF screening" when we don't know what the Funk SF means is not making us feel better. I saw 5 families with NON-Special Needs kids leave angry as hell. A handful of free passes and some re-training for your box office staff would go a long way towards making your customers happy. How bout it AMC? There are hundreds of places to see movies in L.A. and I won't be rushing back to AMC in Burbank, where we've gone for 10 plus years, anytime soon.

And to anyone who wants to attack me for speaking my mind. Eat it! I know it's tough to have special needs kids. And this post says nothing bad about them or your struggle. And I know how lucky I am that my kids don't have issues. I compliment AMC for providing a showing of a film especially for you and yours. I just wish they had made us aware before or at least did Something for us after. AMC failed here and that's the Bitter Truth.

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Tattoo You. Not me. You

5/30/2013

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The Bitter Truth is if you have a tattoo on your face, neck or tit, you're most likely not in high finance. And forgive if if I don't want to give you my money to look after. Not happening. And also you can't watch my kids. Sorry, someone who dedicated their entire life to getting everything tattooed probably isn't a great babysitter. This post was generated after I heard a guy with a skeleton tattooed on his face complaining to another guy with a spiderweb tattooed on his bald head that he "Couldn't get no damn good job yo." He went on to blame "The man for keeping me down." Okay look I am not against Tattoos. But if you cover you neck, face and head with them don't complain that society is out to get you because you can't get certain jobs. You are scary! You look like a super villain, not a banker.

Tattoos are expressions of who you are. I have no issue with people who choose to illustrate their life on their skin. It's your story to tell and if you choose to speak it in ink. That's cool.

But there are restrictions. To be honest I don't have any Tats. I did 0nce considered getting a small Herve' Villechaize tattoo on my arm. That way I could say "Hey you wanna see my Tattoo?" and then reveal my ink of the character Tattoo from "Fantasy Island." Funny? What? You don't remember "Fantasy Island?" See the reference is dated already. That's why I didn't get it. You really have to think long and hard about what you put on your body. It should be forever. Sure you can get them removed now with a painful laser but no one likes a quitter.

And if you tattoos creep up from from your arms to chest and then to neck and face be prepared to be looked at differently. (Isn't that honestly why you got a face tat in the first place?) And there will be jobs no one will hire you for despite your skill set. If you have face tattoos you may have to settle for being a biker, or extra on "Sons Of Anarchy" or contestant on "Cupcake Wars" (seriously what's with bakers & tattoos.) Know that going in. If you want to ink yourself go ahead. Just think before you ink. Get whatever you want. Except the "Tramp Stamp" that's just for porn stars or whores. Same thing really. And that's The Bitter Truth.

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The Bitter Truth About The Bitter Truth Is

5/28/2013

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The Bitter Truth is you may agree with everything you read in my blog. You may not think everything is true. But that's because your not that bright. Actually, some days, you're an idiot. Things I write may actually make you mad. And that's a good thing. Because a blog is supposed to stimulate conversation and debate. It shouldn't be all flower filled fluff. Like most mommy blogs. A blog should cause a reaction. So if you read something I wrote and think..."How could he write that?!" Then my job is done. I welcome feedback to all my posts. Also The Bitter truth about my blog is that is really is just written by me. Usually quickly and in the wee small hours. So there will be typos and issues with grammer. Or is it grammar? See I don't have a staff of writers and editors making my words sound pretty.

A couple of friends of mine, Eric Althoff and Adam Mars do chime in from time to time to point out the mistakes. But they don't do it all the time and aren't getting paid. Sorry guys, you are not. I do my best to write 2-3 times a week. But since it's a passion project and not a paid gig other things take priority. Now if someone wants to pay me for my random thoughts I am more than willing to make it my full time job. Until then this is what you get. As my son said the other day when they were handing out cupcakes and everyone wanted to green frosted ones--"You get what you get and you don't complain." Even at 5 years old my son is smarter than you and that's The Bitter Truth.

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You're The 92nd Caller

5/24/2013

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The Bitter Truth is that radio contest winners are not winners. Anyone who has all day to sit around calling the same phone number again and again and again in hopes of winning Bieber concert tickets is far from a winner. They may just be shut in who's next shot at fame is when "Hoarders" shows up at their house to film "A Very Special Episode." As someone who once worked in the music business I also know that radio call in contests aren't always on the up and up. (That's old guy speak for legit.) Many a time pals at radio stations put the names of friends and family members on the winners list.

In college I had what seemed like a very boring work study job. I was the college switchboard operator. Sitting in the basement of my dorm building 100 Beacon Street I would spend 2-4 hours a day answering the phones "Hello Emerson College" and directing the calls to various departments on campus. Pretty ho-hum until a buddy of mine hipped to the fact that I would program the huge switchboards 50 plus lines to speed call any number. Suddenly my desktop switchboard became the most powerful winning machine on campus. I programmed all the local radio stations contest line phone numbers into it. The guys in the mailroom next to my office would then tune their 3 radios to the main stations in Boston. Each guy assigned to a different station. When contest time came each guy would scream out: "CALL WBCN!!!" or "CALL KISS 108." With the press of a button all 50 lines would dial away making me the correct caller almost every time. Sorry to anyone trying to reach Emerson College at that moment. The lines were too busy to accept incoming calls. The winnings came rushing in LPS, t-shirts and eventually CDS, books, comedy club passes and piles of concert tickets flowed to me and my inner circle .

The ultimate was the time on WBCN when I became the "Grand Prize Winner!" Excited I said, "Great! Um, what did I win?" The DJ said, "You won two tickets to see Eddie Money at Club Casino in Hampton New Hampshire." "Oh. Um okay." I said. Eddie Money? New Hampshire? No thanks. Figured I'd just give them a fake name and never claim the prize. Then he added, "You also get a free limo ride, booze and backstage passes to meet Eddie Money!" "A limo ride? Did you say a limo ride? And free booze!?" I asked excited. "And you gte to meet Eddie Money." The DJ replied. "yeah. But you did say a limo ride right?" I was the grand prize winner!! Off to New Hampshire my buddy Chris Stearns and I went in a limo, drinking the whole way. And yes we got to meet Eddie Money backstage. I only remember we were so drunk we insulted Eddie minutes after the photo was taken. Soon after the people who had been so nice to use when we arrived turned hostile and escorted us out of the club. Don't recall seeing Eddie Money's show. But the limo ride back to Boston was well worth the trip.

A week later I missed out on being the correct caller for the same package including limo and backstage passes to meet The Cure. I think that contest was rigged. Nowadays I don't bother trying to call into radio stations and I think people who do should consider doing other things with their lives like volunteer work or getting a job. I was "The Grand Prize Winner" but you will never be and that's The Bitter Truth.

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Back On The Blog

Almost

Lots To Say. No Time To Be Witty.

A Post Free Summer?

Fun For The "Whole" Family? I Think Not

Asians Take Polariods

That Movie Was Retarded. I'm Sorry, "Special Needs."

Tattoo You. Not me. You

The Bitter Truth About The Bitter Truth Is

You're The 92nd Caller

Keith Valcourt

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