Blog Archives - Keith Valcourt.com

Coming Out Straight

4/30/2013

The Biter Truth is having an NBA free agent player Jason Collins come out as gay is not as big of a deal as the media would like us to believe. Is it a brave move for him to make such an announcement in a industry that is traditionally against gays? Maybe. But it doesn't make him a trail blazer along the lines of Jackie Robinson and it certainly doesn't warrant the congrats call he is rumored to have gotten from President Obama. That seems a bit much.

I've never really understood the importance of "coming out." Maybe it's because I'm straight. Or that I've lived in mostly liberal major cities most of my life. And never had to live a repressed existence. I live my life out loud, without fear and always speak my mind. I feel that everyone should just be who they are. I know that is a simplistic view. But telling people that you like to have sex with other men or with women shouldn't define who you are. It's just one aspect of a whole person's life. I have plenty of friends. Some gay. Some straight. But I don't choose to classify them into categories. They are my friends. They are people.

I hope Collins has a very successful career in the NBA and succeeds on his talents, not his sexual orientation. If this "Free Agent" doesn't get signed to a major team for big bucks I'm sure he will blame his lack of success on the homophobic leanings of professional basketball. He'll then turn that into a lucrative speaking careeer on the evils of the NBA. And if he does get a big deal or special treatment for him coming out and then that's even worse than if he were treated bad for being gay. No one should be treated any different just because of who they choose to have sex with.

In the interest of full disclosure So right here I would like to announce and "Come Out" as straight. I like having sex with women. Well one woman. My wife. I know this is a brave and risky move based on the fact that I work in show business. See. I did it. And nobody noticed and nobody cared and that's The Bitter Truth.

Five Presidents. No Waiting.

4/26/2013

The Bitter Truth is getting all the living presidents together in one place is not that impressive. Especially when you consider the reason the current and four former commander in chiefs got together. To dedicate the George W Bush Presidential library. Ironic that a guy who probably never reads books (comic book don't count) now has a library. And he pronounces it "LIEBURY".

Okay, look, I know the presidential Library isn't about books. It's a place to look back on the major accomplishments of a former leader. And I have visited both the Reagan and Nixon libraries here in California. Both full of interesting history and worth a visit. But W? Really? What amazing artifacts do they have in there? "The Hanging Chad?" An interactive video display on "How To Steal An Election?" Or maybe a puppet show featuring Karl Rove putting his fist in a lifelike W puppet and telling him what to do. Just like he did during George W Bush's presidency.

I imagine the place featuring a prestigious "Hall Of Failures" that features photos of young college age George drunk and using narcotics. The "Mission Accomplished" banner from his premature declaration of victory. And the body of Osama Bin Laden, his sworn enemy, and the man behind 911. Who, by the way, Bush was not able to capture/kill. It took his replacement Osama Bin Laden to get the job done. Or not. I'm sure it focuses on 911 without the video of Bush reading to kids while the towers fell. No matter how amazing the library may be I'm sure it will never be on my list of places I must visit.

Excuse me for not getting excited about seeing Jimmy Carter, Bush sr, Clinton, Bush jr and Obama in the same place. I know it's historic but Rather than the only living presidents I think it would be more exciting to reunite all the living "Charlie's Angels." Seeing Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson, Cheryl Ladd, Shelly Hack and Tanya Roberts in one place would make for a far more interesting photo op and that's The Bitter Truth.

Knifes On A Plane?!

4/25/2013

The Bitter Truth is the FAA's new plan to allow pocket knifes on planes is a stupid move, that is sure to unleash tragedy. The new proposal states that if they could allow small folding pocket knifes on domestic flights they could better focus their attention on bigger possible "Terrorist" issues. Did everyone forget that the 911 terrorists used box cutters to attack the flight crew and take over the planes that they then crashed into the World Trade Center, Pentagon and field in Pennsylvania? Box cutters have shorter blades than an average pocket knife. A knife can easy be used to slash and kill. Do we really want potential weapons making their way back on planes.

Instead of allowing knifes how about we got back to the time when I could actually bring a bottle of water, not purchased in the airport for 10 times it's retail value, on the plane. How about we bring back smiles on the faces of stewardesses. Hell let's bring back Stewardesses (Not air hosts as they are called now.) Bring back leg room. There was a time when your knees wouldn't be smack dab against the ass of the person sitting in the seat in front of you. Separately only by a thin layer of dirty seat cushioning. There are so many things I would rather see on a plane than an item, like a pocket knife, that placed in the wrong hands has the ability to maim and kill both air personal and travelers alike. If we allow them than why not baseball bats, hockey sticks and archery equipment? Why? Because sadly, no one can be trusted. NO ONE! Every air traveler is a potential terrorist or at the least able to snap due to air rage.

The old advertising slogan "Fly The Friendly Skies" no longer applies. The skies are now full of possible enemy combatants and a whole lot of hostile travelers jammed full of frustrated anger. Flying is now a task and a chore and there is no need to make it more anxious by letting travelers bring their pocket knifes along and that's The Bitter Truth.

Not My Son!!

4/24/2013

The Bitter Truth is a mother never wants to admit that their child may have done something wrong. Especially when it is terribly wrong. Case in point the mother of accused Boston Marathon Bombers the Tsarneav Brothers. She has come out in several interviews done overseas stating that her sons have been framed and would never do anything as horrible as the crimes they have been accused of. Her reason, "Because they are my sons. A Mother knows." While mother do know their kids, that intuition tends to fade once your little ones leave the nest. Especially when those lovable tikes are grown and thousands of miles away.

Mrs T. (Hell, you didn't expect me to spell that name correct a second time did you?) has not lived with her son for several years. Some report as many as 5. She hasn't even been in the same country as her sons. Those thousands of miles apart may not make this mother the best judge of her sons character and innocence at this point. If the boys are being framed for the crime then why have they been the subject of FBI scrutiny for 2 plus years now? Not that I don't like a good conspiracy theory. Aliens at Area 51. JFK. Fake Moon Landing. All interesting to speculate on. But in the end it is all bullshit.

The Bitter Truth is the Tsarneav boys, no matter how cute they were as kids, as monsters who attacked innocent people. No matter what their mom says. Remember even the parents of Timothy McVie, Charles Manson, Wayne Williams and Jeffrey Dahmer thought their sons were innocent at some point. But time and truth proved them otherwise. We love our kids and would never expect they could turn and do such heinous acts as the Tsarneav boys did. But like fruit and vegetables, kids can go bad. Really bad and that's The Bitter Truth.

If A Tweet Falls In The Forest

4/23/2013

The Bitter Truth is that my blog is back! After a week away from social media I've decide to once again return to typing out my thoughts/rants for all, or at least the one person I know who follows me, to enjoy. Thanks to my audiient. That's right singular. And yes I said Tweet, not tree. It's not a typo. I meant tweet and yes I know there is a photo of a falling tree there but there were no images of falling tweets online. Oh and the truth is I don't tweet. Or follow Twitter. Not sure why or how I would but the phrase "If A Blog Falls In The Forrest" doesn't have the same ring to it.

I do blog. But often as I struggle to come up with something witty to write that will keep my one follower and handful of friends entertained. Why do I blog? I'm not sure. I always question why I blog while I do. I guess the easy answer to why? is that everybody does it. Seems our society has a need to post every intimate detail of every moment our lives on line, No matter how mundane. While I was away the bombing in Boston happened. Somewhere in the middle of the manhunt for they monsters who set off the bombs there was a giant announcement posted via Twitter. KIM KARDASHAIN'S DIVORCE WAS FINAL!! Oh thank God!! Never mind that an amazing city was shut down, gripped by fear or further carnage. Or that flood waters were rising elsewhere. This was news!

It's Pablum like that which makes me wonder if I should add my voice to an already crowded web full of static. Why does the world need another blog? Well maybe because me life is exciting and full of funny stories. Plus I have a unique voice that needs to be heard by as many people as possible. Maybe because this is America and I have the right.... Nah. Too heavy handed. I'll blog as long as I have something to say or at least until no one reads it. To anyone who takes time out of their lives to check out my blog I truly appreciate it. Pllease tell your friends. RE-Tweet it. Whatever the hell that is. I will try to make anything I put out there interesting and funny and will attempt to keep typos at a minimum. At the very least I hope my posts are better than Kim Ks. I know they are and that's The Bitter Truth.

Die Hiker Die!

4/13/2013

The Bitter Truth is hikers that end up lost in canyons and forests for days on end, prompting massive searches involving dozens of police and emergency workers should not be hiking. And deserve to die in the woods. Okay that may seem harsh. But every time I hear the story of an unprepared idiot who wanders off the marked path until to spend 3-4 days and nights in a ditch merer feet from where they parked in the first place it makes me nuts!

Here in California there was another story this week about a pair of hikers that got lost on a hike and were trapped for 4 days. Noth were found alive (severely hydrated but alive) and are recovering just fine. unlucky for us was the news coverage for that 72 plus hour period about the "Dramatic Search." Even worse was when they interviewed the lovely couple, couple of what I have no idea, and they both turned out to be illiterate jack asses who rambled on about "Like the animals like scared like me..." Thank god we saved these two. Maybe they'll get their own reality show?

If you are going to hike go prepared. Know your paths. Tell people where you are going. Org in a group. Carry a portable GPS device and fully charged cell phone. And water. Lots ans lots of water. Because if you it aint worth the tens of thousands of tax payer dollars spent on man hours and resources to find your dumb ass and that's The Bitter Truth

Attack Of The Sinkholes!

4/11/2013

The Bitter Truth is that Sinkholes are going to swallow every one of us!! Not, not really. Unless of course you believe the alarmist stories on the news. Sinkholes happen but not as often as the media would like us to think. And make no mistake, when they happen they can be deadly. The recent stories about people being swallowed in the blink of an eye by an instant sinkhole are horrible. I can't imagine a worse way to die. And I don't want to.

But like Bird Flu, Poison Spinach. Mad Cow Disease and Orange Alerts this is a new wave of media fueled hysteria. Sink Holes are the new thing. They are hip. Trendy. Now. They are nothing to worry about, because if a sink hole is gunning for you there is nothing you can do. Living in fear is not living at all and that's The Bitter Truth

No Sex Please, We're Parents

4/10/2013

The Bitter Truth is kids ruin your sex life. Or they at least put a major cramp in your style. Remember how wild your sex life was before you were blessed with the pitter patter of little feet? The multiple uses for every horizontal surface in your home? The costumes? The animal screams of passion echoing through every room of your home? Yes! Yes! Oh God, YES! No? You don't? Maybe you married the wrong person. Divorce for you won't be easy, or cheap, but remember what they say: "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!" Or you can stay in your loveless (and sexless union.) Not me. You.

Let's get back to sex. Married sex is a lot of like teenage sex--rushed, hidden and frustrating. It often happens in dark, confined spaces at odd times. It ain't the best sex you've ever had, but hell it's sex. The ultimate expression of love.

The biggest challenge of married sex is not getting caught. (Again like high school sex.) Because if your kids catch you in the act no amount of therapy is going to erase that shock. You can't explain it away. "Daddy was just hugging mommy." Yeah right. Kids are smarter today.
When oyu have kids you have to keep things on the DL (Dwon Low Duh?) and work extra hard to keep that spark alive. It's worth it. Then again there is always divorce, which may be right for you, not me and that's The Bitter Truth

Flea Markets: Low Cost Family Fun

4/9/2013

The Bitter Truth is finding fun things for a family of four to do weekend after weekend can get expensive. You've already read my blog about being priced out of Disneyland. And even if they're free, there are so many times you can go to local museums, parks, concerts and BBQs. Now if I had my way the weekends would be spent at homes. Asleep. Usually in the back yard. But I have young kids and sitting still is not an option. What is a cash strapped entertainment starved family to do. I have two magic words--Flea Markets.

They go by many names: Swap Meets, Community Rummage Sales, Giant Yard Sales or as my 5 years old son calls them--Junk Markets. These monthly gatherings are held in public places where people come to buy and sell everything from new socks to vintage metal lunchboxes (my favorite.) They are usually spread out over fields, empty lots and deserted buildings. And every month is different.

This past Sunday we went to my favorite California swap meet--the P.C.C (Pasadena Community College) Flea Market. It is the best junk gathering for several reasons. Number one--They don't charge an admission fee. Some flea markets collect up to $8.00 per person for the privilege of checking out other people's trash. Number 2--It is spread out over several areas allowing for lots of walking. Yes, exercise and fun combined. Just don't tell the kids they are doing something healthy. Number three--Most things are cheap. Sure there is overpriced furniture and antiques but you can buy thousands of items for less than $5.00 each.

From 8am to noon on Sunday we walked about, enjoying the cool day, searching for treasures. Nigel bought a monorail for $3.00. Audrey picked up a $15.00 French suitcase. Along the way we stopped for a couple giant slices of homemade cake. ($3.00 each) and watched people. Lots and lots of people. The total cost of the whole days fun was $26.00 (including the $2.00 parking.) a small price to pay for a full morning of fmaily fun. I know that as the economy gets worse the flea markets will get busier and busier. Which is both bad and good. Good for more selection. Bad more competition. Flea markets are my religon, there is no place I would rather be on a Sunday morning than at the "Junk Market" with my family and that's The Bitter Truth,

Mad Men...Meh.

4/8/2013

The Bitter Truth is staying up late to watch the premiere of AMC's "Mad Men" last night was a mistake. The 2 hours I wasted sitting through the show's disjointed subplots would have better spent in dreamland. And to be fair, it wasn't really a 2 hour show. Instead it was small 10 minutes segments surrounded by hundreds of self serving commercials telling us how great "Mad Men" and the other AMC shows are. Seriously? We get it. Why else would we be tuned in if we didn't already dig the show? And yes, we know "Breaking Bad" and "The Walking Dead" are awesome.

Back to the show. For the past 4 season I have loved "Mad Men" (more so Seasons 1 thru 3.) I even own all the DVD sets. So, even though my interest had started to wain at the end of Season 5, I was really excited to catch up with Don and the gang on Sunday night. That excitement was gone within the first 25 minutes. Who the hell was the girl with the violin? Sadly, I think I may be done watching the stylish once breakthrough drama.

The main issue is there are now way too many stories about side characters I just don't care about. Where the first three seasons focused on the Ad agency and the core of employees that worked there. Peggy & Pete? Awesome. Roger & Jane? Don. And their trails? So well done. Now we have dozens of co stars that ad nothing. And stories that go on forever. Who cares about the ex-Mrs Don Draper wandering the streets of New York looking for the violin playing girl and teaches some counter culture kids to cook pork butt?

Unless "Mad Men" gets back to the basics with focus on the main folks from Sterling, Cooper, Draper and Price I'm out. Maybe we all should be. Remember how sad you are when you hear your favorite TV show has called it quits? There is something great about a show not staying around past it's prime and outwearing its welcome. Yes, "Rescue Me" I mean you. Going out on top. For me "Mad Men" has already peaked and that's sad. I'm moving on to a new show and that's The Bitter Truth. any suggestions?